Dear Adoring Fans

I love all the "Dear XYZ" posts I've seen.  I'm jumping on board!

Dear adoring fans,
Hello!  Yes, I wear an eyepatch, isn't it cool?  My favorite one is the one with dinosaurs, I like to roar like a dinosaur.  Guess what?  I can see you, even with an eye patch.  These glasses?  Yes, they are real, yes, they work, and no, they aren't broken, it's called a bifocal.  Oh, and I can also hear you, so can my  mommy.

Check out  my cool shirt from Eye Power kidswear!

When you point and stare, I don't really mind, I know I'm cute, you can't help but stare.  I love all of the attention.  If you are a grownup, mommy thinks you are being mean or rude and she says it hurts her heart every time.  Sometimes she says not nice things about you... she forgets that I can hear sometimes, too.

Don't make my mommy sad!

She likes it when you ask what happened, she knows everyone is curious. She doesn't even care how you ask, although she really doesn't like it if you asked if I lost my eye.  She has a story all lined up, it's almost the same every time.  If I cared enough, I could tell you the story word for word.  But, I'd rather roar at you or sing or laugh or cause trouble.  My sisters know the story and often add things if mom skips a part.  Here is how it usually goes:
     Adoring public:  "Oh, did he hurt his eye?"
     Mommy:  "No, he had a cataract when he was born.  It's just like people get when they are old, but he was lucky enough to have it when he was born.  It's really rare.  Since you have to learn to see at birth, we have to make him use that eye, which he'd rather not use.  You are seeing the "bad eye" and we patch the good one to make him use the bad eye."
Now- mommy is from Vermont and she talks REALLY fast, so she ALWAYS gets this part out.  Sometimes your eyes glaze over.  That makes her mad, if you asked a question, you'd better listen.  I hear that a lot in our house "you need to listen!"  Apparently you all have not been taught that by your mommies.  Lucky. 

At least PRETEND to listen!

Some of you ask more questions.  This is good, you listened (you must have had good mommies and daddies!) and you make my mommy feel like she did OK by me.  She will answer anything- and seems to like to talk about it.  (borrringg!)

Borrriinnngg!!

What makes her really really mad and sad and say not nice things, is when you forget we can hear.  Lots of you try to explain to your children that I have a boo-boo on my eye.  This really makes her mad when we've seen you around town and have exchanged waves or small talk.  Please, just ask my mom.  She will be happy to explain (see above!)  She's also pretty good with kids, she has 4 of them, she will happily explain things to your kids.  She also has some experience explaining things to people, she did that in her job for a while.  Do you really think it's better for your kids to think I have no eye or a bloody eye behind my patch?  Think people, think!  That is scary stuff!  My story is much more benign.

Also scary stuff

Oh, and my mom doesn't really like it when you pretend you know what she is talking about when she knows you don't.  When you tell your kids (or spouse or friend) that I probably have a lazy eye, she is annoyed.  I agree!  I am not lazy!  Ask my mom!  I don't like to sleep AT ALL!  However, my mommy will politely listen as you tell her about your sister/cousin/nephew/great-aunt twice removed and how she had a lazy eye and is JUST FINE NOW.  First of all, I am already fine.  F.I.N.E.  Second, in many cases she just explained what was wrong with me, and lazy was not a part of it.  My mommy usually smiles and nods (and mumbles under her breath after you leave).  Again, that listening thing.

Best horse ever.

 

Don't worry if your kids say silly things, that doesn't bother mommy.  Usually your adoring children point and say "look mommy, he has a sticker on his eye!"  Really, I know you are just finding any excuse to point out how ridiculously cute I am.  Admit it, you are also a little jealous that I get to wear a sticker every day.  Do your parents let you wear a sticker on your face in public?  Ha!  Didn't think so!   Kid questions make my mommy smile.  Especially when your mommy acts mortified and rushes away to another aisle in the supermarket.  Mommy knows you can't control what comes out of kids mouths.... and be honest, you were thinking the exact same thing!  If you are within earshot (before your mommy rushes away), mommy will tell you that I patch my good eye to make me use my bad eye.  She may say it loudly so your mom can hear as she is running away. The last time it happened, we saw you and your mommy in every aisle.  Good job mortifying your mom, we heard you say something new each time!!  My mom actually laughed out loud a few times.   (I think this is passive aggressive behavior, she should really work on that!)

So that is my story.  I hate my patch and hate my glasses, but mommy says I have to wear them.  I will have to wear them until I am 8 or 9, she says.  That is old, but not as old as my mommy.  So please, just ask, don't point, don't stare, and for Pete's sake, LISTEN if you do ask!

Love,
Tommy

P.S.  Could someone please tell my mommy that it is completely OK to live on Hostess Donettes?  Why does she insist I eat anything else?